In which I wonder whether it would have been smarter to lie to my masseuse

        I try to get a massage once every few months, because much of my time seems to be spent sitting, typing, or fretting, or some combination thereof, all of which invariably turns various parts of my body into cement. And though over the years I’ve learned to stretch regularly and I’ve turned bath-taking into a religion, sometimes I need a little professional tenderizing to keep all the parts mobile.

       I’m an old hand at getting massages. You take all your clothes off, you wriggle under the towel face down and put your face in the that little cradle hole, and with luck you become nothing but a body for the next hour or so while new age music (usually that ubiquitous Peruvian flute stuff) sighs and tweedles in the background and a helpful stranger (the massage therapist) lotions up and digs into your sore parts. Ideally, for the duration, conversation is limited to a single grunt of approval (me) in response to, “how’s the pressure?” (the masseuse).

       But every now and then I get a chatty masseuse. Why do they want to chat? Because rubbing naked people gets dull? Because they have a captive audience? Because Peruvian music + a naked stranger = the ideal atmosphere in which to exchange confidences? I can only guess at the motivation. I was once massaged by a giddy Irish girl who talked breathlessly, nonstop, about her two boyfriends, Declan and Tom, and how they were both dreamy, and how she was facing a difficult decision. “Oh, Julie, I want to get two notebooks and label one ‘Declan’ and the other ‘Tom’ and write all my thoughts in them because I just don’t know how I’ll choose between them because Declan actually has a job but Tom is sooo handsome and…”   It was a monologue over my bare skin. Ultimately I stopped listening to the words and just enjoyed her accent.

       But I’ve discovered a new danger in conversing with masseuses. This is how it happened:

       For starters, I’m interested in all things holistic, and I’ve become conscious over the years that, for people like massage therapists, our bodies are virtually maps to our general health, even our lives. I’ve had a therapist press the arch of my foot and ask about my digestive problems, and find a sore place on my knee and ask about my lower back (and both were spot on observations at the time). Recently, a masseuse guessed from my rigid right arm and claw of a right hand (OK, I exaggerate a tad, because it’s fun to exaggerate, but still) and my rock hard shoulders (this, sadly, is true) that I must sit at a computer and type and mouse with my right hand all day, and she said so. 

       “What kind of work do you do?” She asked cheerfully.

       Reflexively, I answered, “I’m a writer.” Realizing belatedly that this would undoubtedly invite more questions.

       “Oh? What do you write?”

       "Manifestos," I probably should have replied. Or: “Manuals about car parts.” Unfortunately, even though I’m capable of and thoroughly enjoy spinning wild tales, I find it difficult to full-on lie in the face of a direct question.  Especially when I’m naked.

       “Novels,” I mumbled. I tried to make it sound boring. To discourage further questions. But no one ever thinks the word “novel” is boring.

       “Novels!” She was delighted. “What kind?”

       “Historical romance. Um, you know, I think my right wrist is really stiff, and—”

       “Julie…” she mused. “Julie….Are you…are you Julie Anne Long?? THE RUNAWAY DUKE! Oh my GOD!! I loved it! It’s under my bed!!

       Which was very nice, of course. But this is what I was thinking: “Oh, dear. One of my readers has now seen my butt.”

       She was very sweet, and an avid reader of romances, and she’d seen WAYS TO BE WICKED at our downtown Borders—she even told me exactly where at Borders. And from what I understand, to a massage therapist, a butt is a butt is a butt, and this particular massage therapist will likely buy WAYS TO BE WICKED, bless her heart. But still. It’s a rather disconcerting thought. Perhaps it means I've finally arrived.

       So I hope you all had a happy Halloween. Every year in San Francisco there’s a gigantic street party in the Castro district and thousands of people show up in costume (not me, though—I tend to stay away from throngs). But on the news for the past few days, they kept showing this one clip of our very handsome mayor looking all solemn and forehead-furrowed as he talked about all the new security measures for the party, and how he’s sure everyone will behave "appropriately." This was followed by a snippet of a scene from one of the past year's parties, featuring several grown men wearing beige unitards, antlers and big happy smiles while they frolicked together in a harness. They were reindeer, of course. Ah. "Appropriately,” indeed. For San Francisco, anyway.  I don’t think they (the news) meant it to be funny, but it cracked me up every time.

       So do you guys like to go get massages, or are you too ticklish or bashful? LOL. Have any good massage stories? Did you do anything fun for Halloween?

Comments

[Ranurgis]

Wasn't bad at all. I kept my "porch light" off (side back of building down dark lane) and nobody came to knock. Didn't have money for many treats anyway, so I just pretended I wasn't home.

I know about masseurs and masseuses too. One told me my bad posture was due to being too heavy up front with a small frame. They didn't grow that big until I was in France. Don't know what changed there. And I think you're right: masseuses become like doctors. After all unless there's something unusual about the part in question, how *can* they remember everyone's.

I'm not a big party person. I'll be going to a wedding and I have no idea if there'll be a lot of people or not. After all, people who booked early had to shell out about $1500 CD. My brother booked me last minute to the Mayan Riviera. I bet he would have liked to that for himself and his wife too. Anyway, I'll be gone for a week until Nov. 10.

[Kathy K]

I've never had a professional massage and I would so like to! The one time I came close to having a massage was on a trip to Mexico a few years ago.
My husband was top Salesman in Edmonton that year and the trip was to Cancun for a 5 night stay at the Moon Palace Resort; lovely, absolutely lovely!
The day before my massage we had decided to take the day trip to Tulum to see the Aztec [or Mayan?] ruins.
We got there, got off the bus and had a quick jaunt into the shop before heading up to the ruins. Coming out of the dim shop and into the bright sun I missed a step and fell, catching myself with my hands...Oops!
While my husband and the rest of the group toured the pyramid and surrounding area I sat in the shade feeling not-so-good. By the time we walked back to the bus, I wasn't moving my right arm at all 'cause, darn it!, it HURT!
Once everyone else was dropped off back at the resort, the driver took Joe and myself into Cancun to a clinic. There I had X-rays done; the doctor couldn't really see anything and figured that I'd badly sprained my elbow?! So I spent the next 3 days wearing a sling and not moving a right-arm-muscle and ~ there is the point to the story, honest! ~ subsequently
* MISSING MY MASSAGE!*
Turns out, back at home and after a visit to my own doctor and another series of X-rays, that I had broken one of the bones in my elbow; needless to say, it's the joke of the family ~ 'watch that step mom / Kath, don't want to fall and break your elbow'...everyone Kozakewich is a comedian! *grin*...

So, no, no massage ~ yet! But it sounds like heaven...and for now I go with the neck rubs that my son gives me while I'm on the computer, standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes, or on the couch trying to get moving to go to bed ~ he's got magic fingers that boy does; although calling my oldest child and 22 1/2 year old son "boy" may not be such a good idea!

And Halloween; gads, we've NOTHING like Castro district street party here. Of course it's hard to get out and party with 4 or 5 inches of snow on the ground and -12 degree temperatures [only Celsius, mind you, but it was still -12].
I think we had a grand total 20 to 25 kids come to our door last night; it's the absolute quietest trick-or-treat night I've ever seen ~ and coming from a place where snow this time of year is practically a given, that's saying something. Could be that there are more malls putting on Safe Halloween or other venues providing kids' parties, but it's sure nothin' like when I was a kid. Sad, that.

Now that I've run on, and on, and on....

I think I'll go and cozy up to a new book; while waiting for TSTS to come out. ^.^

Have a great day! Love the masseuse story Julie...LoL... nothing like a good laugh to warm one up.

Kathy

[Michelle]

I gave my mortgage banker a bookmark which she seemed rather impressed with. When I went back a couple months later, she said: "I'm dying to read your book, but they don't have it at the library." I just smiled and refrained from telling her they have plenty of copies at the bookstore.

Oh, and I love getting massages and facials. My estetician gets free books from me. :-)

[Diana]

I've never gotten a massage, so I don't know how I'd act while getting one. I AM pretty ticklish, so I might spend the entire time giggling or trying not to giggle.

I didn't go out last night, but the kids at the pre-K where I work dressed up and participated in a Halloween parade at the park across the street. It was cute. I wore a purple wig and a black pointy hat and was a witch.

[Julie Anne Long]

Hey Ranurgis! Hope you have a good trip. And you're probably right about doctors, masseuses, and tushes, etc. As far as I know, mine doesn't have any pronounced distinguishing characteristics—no moles, scars or tattoos, as far as I know—so hopefully it's none too memorable. LOL. At least, no one has ever said as much. Though I haven't peered at it too closely lately, so who am I to say??

Kathy K.—you know, it's funny, but everyone I know who goes to Mexico comes back with, like, stitches or a sling or something. LOL. What's going on there?? Someday I really want to go to Tulum, though, despite the clear danger of stiches or a sling. :) And you really should treat yourself to a massage one day!! Or maybe not...because then you'll be hooked, and they aren't cheap, typically. (Though they're very healthy, so there's your justification. :) There are so many different kinds of massages and massage therapists, too, and I've had some pretty hilarious experiences. Some day I might blog about those. And what a sweet son you have, massaging his hard-working Mom!! YOu raised 'im right, sounds like.

Halloween was pretty quiet in my neighborhood, too. Growing up in the 'burbs we got so many visitors. It's not safe to trick or treat in the big city, I suppose. Or perhaps all the parents are taking the kids to the ritzier neighborhoods, like Sea Cliff. Where they'll get foie gras in their bags. LOL. Just kidding.

Michelle, that's a crackup about your mortgage banker! She was angling for a free book. :) I worked in finance, once upon a time, and boy a lot of those people (many of whom made very, very impressive incomes) could squeeze a penny until it squealed for mercy. I had one millionaire boss who spent a half hour arguing to make sure she got her $5.00 parking validated. :) Have to admire it, in a way. THat's in part how they *stay* rich.

My dentist is a romance reader (Hi Dr. Wong! Yes, I know I'm overdue for a cleaning—early next year, I promise!!). And I gave her a book. But seeing my teeth is a little different than seeing my various other parts. LOL. There's the part of me that's thrilled to be recognized at all and happy to recruit a new reader, so I usually freely volunteer that I'm a writer. Then there's the *other* part of me (the naked part) that kind of doesn't want readers to know what I look like under my clothes. Obviously, my doctor, for instance, isn't going to post mocking assessments of my body parts on an internet bulletin board somewhere, but who knows if she'll crack if the National Enquirer comes calling someday?? LOL. (Yes, I know: I have an active fantasy life. Dreaming is how I got to be an author in the first place.) Never a dull moment, authordom, that's for sure.

[Haven Rich]

Oh My Gosh Julie, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at “Oh, dear. One of my readers has now seen my butt.”

Sorry but it's too funny!!

I spent Halloween in the e.r. It was interesting to say the least. They arrested a guy wearing a Jason mask...as he was spooking the people and messing with the cars outside. The docs are quacks (this is a general opinion).

As for getting a massage, I've had one once. It was a gift from my mom. She has this chick come to the house for a private session. So while my mom has her ways about things...all well and good...she told this lady to do the same to me. I thought she was trying to kill me. It sorta felt good while she was attacking me...ya know in the few moments she used less pressure. But I couldn't move for the next 4 days. My husband would touch my arm and I'd cry. As a person who's never had a massage before, I didn't know that they can go easy on your poor bones haha. So next time I'll tell whoever it is to treat me as gentle as a spoiled egg that they don't want broken hahaha. Maybe then it will be really relaxing.

Anyhow, I hope you had a wonderful evening. And I was about to email you and see if you were ever going to update (coming from the person who has not updated their private blog in awhile haha).

P.s. the package arrived..yayyy. Nothing makes for a wonderful day than getting 5 packages of all books hehe. I had thought I went to heaven or something close to that.

[Kathy K]

Julie, with regards to injuries suffered in Mexico, I've heard the same...as well as personally experiencing it. And to top it off, the evening of the day that I broke my elbow, one of the Sales reps on the trip slipped off the edge of a sidewalk while heading to the banquet and broke his ankle! Peter and I were the talk of the trip; and for quite a time afterwards. But it was still a great trip and I'll go to Cancun anytime ~ as long as it's during the winter...the temperatures were fine, then.

Kathy

[Julie Anne Long]

Oy!! After a long and valiant struggle with various computer-related issues, at last I can comment. LOL. Diana, that's so cute that you got to hang out with the tots on Halloween!! That's the best part of Halloween...seeing all the little kids in costume. Have you ever gone to the Exotic Erotic ball here in SF?? I did...once. It was enough. LOL! And jeez, Haven! I hope you didn't hurt yourself when you fell out of your chair!! LOL. Then you'd *really* need to see a masseuse. And actually, yeah...it's not *supposed* to hurt. Well, maybe a little, because the objective is to iron our your sore spots. But mostly it's supposed to feel fantastic. Hope you have better luck with a different massseuse one day. Or just tell your mom's masseuse to go easy on you!!Glad you got your package. :) And yeah, I'll be blogging, it seems, once or twice a week, maybe a bit more, and if it's once a week, it looks like it'll be a Wednesday. I'm really diving into writing my first Avon book and making headway, which feels good, so I need to allocate most of my computer time to the story. :) ANd thanks for the tip, Kathy K. (via email), re the wrong release date on my website!! I was able to fix it. Sharp eyes!! I should let you read my galley proofs when I get them from my publisher. :)

[Diana]

Julie, I've never been to the Exotic Erotic Ball here in SF, but I imagine it's wild and wacky with lots of risque costumes (or lack of costumes, I'm sure). I can't believe nine (was it nine?) people were shot on Halloween in SF. Crazy.